The Complete ACOA Sourcebook: Adult Children of Alcoholics at Home, at Work and in Love by Janet G. Woititz Ed.D

Author:Janet G. Woititz, Ed.D. [Woititz, Janet G. Ed.D.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2002-12-24T16:00:00+00:00

Guilt and Shame

Guilt and shame emerge in any relationship with someone who has grown up with alcoholism. They are issues which need to be worked on. Ernie Kurtz, in his booklet, Shame and Guilt: Characteristics of the Dependency Cycle, describes guilt as “a feeling of wrong-doing, sense of wickedness, ‘not good.’” The child is taught that what goes wrong is his fault. Even if it wasn’t his fault, he hears, “If you were not such a rotten kid, I would not have to drink.” The guilt that many ACOAs have is on a level so deep that they believe that their very existence caused the problem.

Shame, although somewhat different, is very closely linked to guilt, and one tends to feed off the other. Dr. Kurtz describes shame as “a feeling of inadequacy, sense of worthlessness, ‘no good.’” Guilt is associated with behavior, while shame relates to the essence of the person, the self, which is even more basic to the person. It is very hard to overcome these feelings. It is a lifelong struggle to feel that your behavior is not “no good”; it is also a lifelong struggle to believe that you are not “no good.”

In a relationship, anything that goes wrong becomes, to some degree, your fault. You feel it is your fault because the things you do are no good, and because you are no good. It is your fault, because in growing up it was the only means of control you had. If you were responsible for what happened, then you believed you could do something to change it. It was, of course, futile because you were not responsible, but the struggle to try made you feel that you were not completely out of control. In a relationship, if something occurs about which you feel responsible, you think you can do something to change it. You can apologize, or you can do something different. If you are guilty, then you can do something. If you are not guilty, then you are, because of your mind-set, in a very real sense, stuck.

The idea of saying to your partner, “Why don’t we take a look at this, regardless of whether I’m at fault, or you’re at fault? I’m okay, and you’re okay, and you and I need to find out what’s going wrong,” does not enter your mind. Because, essentially, you do not believe that you are okay. Even if what you did was okay, you don’t realize it. Therefore, every interaction gets extremely complicated. Also, you do not want the person with whom you are involved to find out how inadequate or worthless you are. This, in turn, creates a climate in which you are less than totally honest. It goes back to the fear of “being found out.”

ACOA Myth

“In order to be lovable, I must be happy all the time.”

TRUTH: In the real world, sometimes people are happy, and sometimes they are not.

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